Thursday, April 25, 2013
I said "I'm not defined by my illness." But I kind of defined myself with my illness. And I wonder if things will ever be like they were or if people can ever look at me the same. I wonder if I know how to function with my weird truth "out there." I guess I kind of feel watched, like very thing I do will have this thing attached to it, this sign, "She has OCD..." And that it's distracting now and my life can't be lived pure and uninhibited as I try to ignore my illness and live despite of it b
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
credit where credit is due.
My mom has been giving me some groundbreaking advice ever since the intensity of this trial started.
She said, "Don't forget to give the devil credit."
We know the devil is very clever. Maybe the second most clever of all of God's children. And when it comes to those who are striving to be righteous, there are only so many ways he can get a handle on them.
One of the ways I believe he does this the most with the "righteous" is to twist truth. He disguises things, twists things, and we're trapped before we even know he was involved.
So many times I was tempted to say, "I feel this way cause of the depression." "I have to do that because of the OCD." I can't escape. I'm trapped.
And while I have major depression and clinical OCD, and that in fact is true in many cases, how true is it? Is it 50% true that we are trapped and can't escape some of the hold these illnesses have on our mind? Is it 100% true? Is it 10% true?
Perhaps, for example, it is 50% true that I can't escape a tendency or mood I am having. But perhaps the devil exacerbates the problem and lies to me. Perhaps Satan tells me it is 100% true.
If I can't escape, don't have a choice, am trapped, then I will likely give up. Giving up means a life of zero progress. No productivity. No joy. Only pain. No fulfillment. No giving of love. No service. No personal revelation. No progress. And that is what he wants.
So my mom will say, "Don't forget, we sometimes don't give the devil enough credit."
Doesn't it make sense that the devil will play on our weaknesses. He will play on our vulnerabilities. And when we are mentally ill, we are super weak. We are the most vulnerable of all time.
If he can lie to us when we're down and tell us we are trapped, then he wins.
So I've tried to see the line of what is the illness responsible for, what is my agency responsible for (like am I trying with all the might I have), and what of this frustration and situation is the devil responsible for. I believe it helps. A lot.
Thanks Mom. She is probably the wisest person I know on this earth.
And that's not a lie.
She said, "Don't forget to give the devil credit."
We know the devil is very clever. Maybe the second most clever of all of God's children. And when it comes to those who are striving to be righteous, there are only so many ways he can get a handle on them.
One of the ways I believe he does this the most with the "righteous" is to twist truth. He disguises things, twists things, and we're trapped before we even know he was involved.
So many times I was tempted to say, "I feel this way cause of the depression." "I have to do that because of the OCD." I can't escape. I'm trapped.
And while I have major depression and clinical OCD, and that in fact is true in many cases, how true is it? Is it 50% true that we are trapped and can't escape some of the hold these illnesses have on our mind? Is it 100% true? Is it 10% true?
Perhaps, for example, it is 50% true that I can't escape a tendency or mood I am having. But perhaps the devil exacerbates the problem and lies to me. Perhaps Satan tells me it is 100% true.
If I can't escape, don't have a choice, am trapped, then I will likely give up. Giving up means a life of zero progress. No productivity. No joy. Only pain. No fulfillment. No giving of love. No service. No personal revelation. No progress. And that is what he wants.
So my mom will say, "Don't forget, we sometimes don't give the devil enough credit."
Doesn't it make sense that the devil will play on our weaknesses. He will play on our vulnerabilities. And when we are mentally ill, we are super weak. We are the most vulnerable of all time.
If he can lie to us when we're down and tell us we are trapped, then he wins.
So I've tried to see the line of what is the illness responsible for, what is my agency responsible for (like am I trying with all the might I have), and what of this frustration and situation is the devil responsible for. I believe it helps. A lot.
Thanks Mom. She is probably the wisest person I know on this earth.
And that's not a lie.
Monday, March 25, 2013
good morning.
Today I went to yoga and I cried. I felt so much emotion, blank emotion, that I cried. And I loved it.
On the ride home in the car, this is the song that came on:
I came up out of the waterRaise my hands up to the FatherGave it all to Him that dayFelt a new wind kiss my faceWalked away, eyes wide openCould finally see where I was goin'It didn’t matter where I beenI’m not the same man I was then.
I got off track, I made mistakesBack slid my way into that place where souls get lostLines get crossedAnd the pain won’t go awayI hit my knees, now here I standThere I was, now here I amHere I amChanged
I got a lot of “hey I’m sorry's”The things I’ve done, man that was not meI wish that I could take it all backI just want to tell 'em thatTell 'em that
I got off track, I made mistakesBack slid my way into that place where souls get lostLines get crossedAnd the pain won’t go awayI hit my knees, now here I standThere I was, now here I amHere I am
I’ve changed for the betterMore smiles, less bitterI even started to forgive myself
I hit my knees, I’m here, I standThere I was, now here I amHere I am, here I amI'm changedYes, I amI’m changed for the better
Thank God, I'm changed.
Changed, by Rascal Flatts.
I hadn't heard this song before, so when I heard these words, "felt a new wind kiss my face, gave it all to Him, walked away, could finally see, it didn't matter when I've been I'm not the same man I was then, i got off track, i made mistakes, souls get lost, the pain won't go away, I hit my knees now here I stand, there I was now here I am. More smiles. Changed."
My application to the song is different than a repentant and born again man, but the words touched me deeply.
I feel I am starting life as a newly rebuilt person. I hope I don't fall apart again soon, or ever. But 'I felt a new wind kiss my face.' I felt in this trial I had to 'give it all to him'. I've now walked away and can finally see somewhat. I'm not the same person I was before this trial. I made mistakes in it. I felt my soul was lost. The pain wouldn't go away most of the time. I hit my knees now here I stand. THere I was now here I am. More smiles. Changed."
I was touched.
Then as I pulled into the neighborhood, I saw this:
Sunday, March 24, 2013
home again, i hope.
I feel the Spirit again. That connection that has been gone, it is back. I again feel close to my Heavenly Father and the ability to receive spiritually enhancing insights into my understanding of the plan of salvation and the gospel.
Even as I say this, I am afraid and don't want this to go away. I never really know.
But for a week now, I have felt the Spirit the same way I used to. And it feels so good to be home.
Lately I have been remembering a saying from the WB show, Felicity, that I used to watch with my mom. Felicity's academic advisor, at the end of one show, in her wise and personally credible voice, remarked:
Today in sacrament meeting, the speaker pointed out, "After a trial, after seeing how you grew through that trial, would you want to go back and be the person you were before the trial? If Heavenly Father said to you, 'I could have taken that trial away. I could go back and take that trial away but then you would have remained the same person you were before the trial, would you want me to take the trial away?'"
She remarked that looking back, we would never want to go back to who we were before the trial. We would want the growth that came, and we would accept that trial as having been worth the growth we received.
It's just so hard to see that when we're in the middle of the trial, cause we don't yet have proof we are going to "survive" it, and everything is going to be okay.
How many times do we wish we could go back and tell ourselves, while in the middle of the trial, "It will be okay. It will all work out. Have faith. Cut yourself some slack. Go easy on yourself. You just had a baby. Or you just lost your mom. Or you have never been in this territory before. Take it easy, don't expect perfection, and have faith. It will always workout." So can I convince myself to do that during the trials that come? Rather than looking back?
I do have a clinical problem with perfectionism. It is inescapable when my mind is in control. I break down. I cannot function. That is different than being too hard on yourself and I have journaled about that before. But still, I think I still make a good point, that we wish we would try harder to believe it will be okay and to take it easy.
Today in Sunday School, I was so touched by my Grandma Calder look-alike holding my little girl. She is the grandma I have adopted for my children here.
Then as the instructor bore his testimony, I pictured in my mind the spirits that must have been present. I felt I was standing on holy ground.
Again the feeling of Holy Ground was evident to me in third hour during Young Womens. Only five people were in the room today, for that moment, and perhaps the teacher could have felt disappointed more would not hear her lesson. But usually that is when the special things happen.
First we watched this. And the Spirit poured onto me like a brick wall.
I wish I was stronger and could say that I have not wondered "why" in my trials. Watching this girl, I imagined I would have been saying, "Why? Why can I not have a stomach that functions like all these thousands people I see walking circles around me throughout my day. Why can't I just be "normal"?"
So many times in this trial, as I've felt out of control, like I couldn't feel the Spirit, like I couldn't decide how I wanted to act or react, how I was going to respond emotionally, how I was going to remember or forget things. Like someone else was controlling me. I have wondered, "Why? Why can't I just be in control of my mind? Why can't I just be 'whole' like these other people I see in the world around me? Why?! I just want to have a normal brain!"
I'm not really sure the lesson in that, but I guess it is to say, we all have trials, huge trials, and we rejoiced and cheered in the pre mortal life when God presented His plan for us to come here and have trials. He knew this girl would have a paralyzed digestive system. He knew I would have x, y, and z. He knew you would have a, b, and c. And we cheered. We rejoiced. Because we wanted to return to Him different than when we left Him. And we look around rooms and we think, "Why does she not have any hard trials? Her hardest trial is if she doesn't curl her hair that day."
Why do we do that?
Everyone, every single person we see, is dealing with something or somethings, big things, big things for them. And I'm serious when I say, that someone not curling their hard that day might be a humungous trial for them. Maybe they weren't built with the ability to accept less than perfection, clinically, and chemically, and it destroys them.
Everyone has trials. Everyone has pain. Everyone has stuff.
After watching this Mormon Message video, the special moment came. A young women, one that might not always share, shared a personal experience of how she asked for help in a trial. Again, I felt there must have been many spirits with us today in that class and we were standing on holy ground.
And I felt I was back. Not that I always feel I'm on holy ground, for then I would never appreciate being there. But the opportunity and ability to feel there again that has been gone for so long. To receive insight and revelation and feel my soul is a sponge again. It felt so good to be home.
Even as I say this, I am afraid and don't want this to go away. I never really know.
But for a week now, I have felt the Spirit the same way I used to. And it feels so good to be home.
Lately I have been remembering a saying from the WB show, Felicity, that I used to watch with my mom. Felicity's academic advisor, at the end of one show, in her wise and personally credible voice, remarked:
"Maybe what happened to you, actually happened for you."
Today in sacrament meeting, the speaker pointed out, "After a trial, after seeing how you grew through that trial, would you want to go back and be the person you were before the trial? If Heavenly Father said to you, 'I could have taken that trial away. I could go back and take that trial away but then you would have remained the same person you were before the trial, would you want me to take the trial away?'"
She remarked that looking back, we would never want to go back to who we were before the trial. We would want the growth that came, and we would accept that trial as having been worth the growth we received.
It's just so hard to see that when we're in the middle of the trial, cause we don't yet have proof we are going to "survive" it, and everything is going to be okay.
How many times do we wish we could go back and tell ourselves, while in the middle of the trial, "It will be okay. It will all work out. Have faith. Cut yourself some slack. Go easy on yourself. You just had a baby. Or you just lost your mom. Or you have never been in this territory before. Take it easy, don't expect perfection, and have faith. It will always workout." So can I convince myself to do that during the trials that come? Rather than looking back?
I do have a clinical problem with perfectionism. It is inescapable when my mind is in control. I break down. I cannot function. That is different than being too hard on yourself and I have journaled about that before. But still, I think I still make a good point, that we wish we would try harder to believe it will be okay and to take it easy.
Today in Sunday School, I was so touched by my Grandma Calder look-alike holding my little girl. She is the grandma I have adopted for my children here.
Then as the instructor bore his testimony, I pictured in my mind the spirits that must have been present. I felt I was standing on holy ground.
Again the feeling of Holy Ground was evident to me in third hour during Young Womens. Only five people were in the room today, for that moment, and perhaps the teacher could have felt disappointed more would not hear her lesson. But usually that is when the special things happen.
First we watched this. And the Spirit poured onto me like a brick wall.
I wish I was stronger and could say that I have not wondered "why" in my trials. Watching this girl, I imagined I would have been saying, "Why? Why can I not have a stomach that functions like all these thousands people I see walking circles around me throughout my day. Why can't I just be "normal"?"
So many times in this trial, as I've felt out of control, like I couldn't feel the Spirit, like I couldn't decide how I wanted to act or react, how I was going to respond emotionally, how I was going to remember or forget things. Like someone else was controlling me. I have wondered, "Why? Why can't I just be in control of my mind? Why can't I just be 'whole' like these other people I see in the world around me? Why?! I just want to have a normal brain!"
I'm not really sure the lesson in that, but I guess it is to say, we all have trials, huge trials, and we rejoiced and cheered in the pre mortal life when God presented His plan for us to come here and have trials. He knew this girl would have a paralyzed digestive system. He knew I would have x, y, and z. He knew you would have a, b, and c. And we cheered. We rejoiced. Because we wanted to return to Him different than when we left Him. And we look around rooms and we think, "Why does she not have any hard trials? Her hardest trial is if she doesn't curl her hair that day."
Why do we do that?
Everyone, every single person we see, is dealing with something or somethings, big things, big things for them. And I'm serious when I say, that someone not curling their hard that day might be a humungous trial for them. Maybe they weren't built with the ability to accept less than perfection, clinically, and chemically, and it destroys them.
Everyone has trials. Everyone has pain. Everyone has stuff.
After watching this Mormon Message video, the special moment came. A young women, one that might not always share, shared a personal experience of how she asked for help in a trial. Again, I felt there must have been many spirits with us today in that class and we were standing on holy ground.
And I felt I was back. Not that I always feel I'm on holy ground, for then I would never appreciate being there. But the opportunity and ability to feel there again that has been gone for so long. To receive insight and revelation and feel my soul is a sponge again. It felt so good to be home.
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