I haven't read the Book of Mormon for a few days.

BAD timing.

I *need* that book.

I guess this trial just hasn't gotten bad enough. I guess I just haven't seen enough, been in the depths of darkness long enough, experienced enough, felt enough pain and confusion to be able to sufficiently check this feeling off my bucket list of things I may be able to empathize with one day. Cause it's just not relenting.

Still in it.

brain.

Sometimes I feel like maybe my brain is too big for my head so it explodes out into ADD and OCD. Like my intelligence is undercapacitated so it's unproductive, traffic jammed, and explosive.

That's what it feels like up there. 

ponderings.

Romans 8:24-39

24 For we are saved by ^ahope: but hope that is ^bseen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?

 25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

 26 Likewise the Spirit also ^ahelpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should ^bpray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh ^cintercession for us with ^dgroanings which cannot be uttered.

 27 And he that ^asearcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh ^bintercession for the saints according to the will of God.

 28 And we know that all things work together for ^agood to them that love God, to them who are the called according to hispurpose.

 29 ^aFor whom he did ^bforeknow, he also ^cdid predestinate ^dto beconformed to the ^eimage of his Son, that he might be the^ffirstborn among many brethren.

 30 Moreover whom he ^adid predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.

 31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, whocan ^abe against us?

 32 He that spared not his own ^aSon, but ^bdelivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us ^call things?

 33 Who shall ^alay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It isGod that justifieth.

 34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh ^aintercession for us.

 35 Who shall separate us from the ^alove of Christ? shall^btribulation, or distress, or ^cpersecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

 36 As it is written, For thy sake we are ^akilled all the day long; we are accounted as ^bsheep for the slaughter.

 37 Nay, in all these things we are ^amore than ^bconquerorsthrough him that loved us.

 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to^aseparate us from the ^blove of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

frazzled.

Man, I feel so broken.

It's like I'm an experiment. Well I am.

Try this med. Nope. Try that med. Nope.

This med: $180 down the drain. Put me into deep depression I'm still recovering from.

This med: $150 down the drain. Don't try it because of what the other one did, but I had already filled it.

This med: Try it. We'll see.

This med: Try it to stabilize your mood: I'm in depressive phase, brain fog, body aches, super sleepy.



AGH!!!!!!!!



And people are talking to me like I'm crazy. I guess I am.

I'm not suppose to be so agitated about this. I'm not suppose to be so worried about that. I'm not suppose to be so depressed about this. I'm not suppose to be so nervous about that.



I was normal like the rest of them at one point, right?

church.

I can't wait to go to church tomorrow.

Sigh.

I can't wait.

the shift.

I knelt in sincere prayer, kneeling, speaking out loud, in private, without distraction, even in a psych unit of a hospital where my three roommates were not around me. A singular moment. I just knew this prayer had to be out loud.

"I am so thankful that I know that my Savior has been here before. That I am not alone. That He has felt this, perfectly. Thy son."

It is not possible to put into words, so I feel frustrated.

I have a son.

My Father gave His son to feel this.

But it's okay.

The feelings I was having were feelings of not being able to fathom giving my son to feel pain for others.

Pondering that.

Not fathoming that.

And then…the shift.

I don't want, anymore, that my Savior had to feel this. It's okay, Heavenly Father. It's okay if I had to feel this alone. It's okay if I am the only one that knows this perfectly. It's okay. I don't want that Christ had to feel this.

It was already done. And it would be done regardless of any spiritual progress I would one day make. And it's not that I was in the lowest of any low of anyone else on earth, it's just that of course, with our own backgrounds, experiences, gifts, weaknesses, etc., no one understands perfectly but Him.

But the shift. It was a shift for me. I hadn't ever before, or at least not long enough to remember, felt so much love and willingness towards my Heavenly Father, and love for my Savior, that it was okay. It was okay if He didn't feel this. It was okay if I was to be the only one that felt this exactly. I love Him too much. Please don't make Him feel my things too.

Maybe we all get to this feeling a few times in our lives, where we are sincerely trying so hard to apply the atonement, be enabled, be cleansed, that we understand just a minute bit more about the atonement. And we cry out, "it's okay", "I don't need this too", "I don't want that He had to feel my sins. I love Him and Thee too much."

I felt it. Just one tiny drop of it.

And it felt like a shift. A shift in my way of feeling about the atonement.