credit where credit is due.

My mom has been giving me some groundbreaking advice ever since the intensity of this trial started.

She said, "Don't forget to give the devil credit."

We know the devil is very clever. Maybe the second most clever of all of God's children. And when it comes to those who are striving to be righteous, there are only so many ways he can get a handle on them.

One of the ways I believe he does this the most with the "righteous" is to twist truth. He disguises things, twists things, and we're trapped before we even know he was involved.

So many times I was tempted to say, "I feel this way cause of the depression." "I have to do that because of the OCD." I can't escape. I'm trapped.

And while I have major depression and clinical OCD, and that in fact is true in many cases, how true is it? Is it 50% true that we are trapped and can't escape some of the hold these illnesses have on our mind? Is it 100% true? Is it 10% true?

Perhaps, for example, it is 50% true that I can't escape a tendency or mood I am having. But perhaps the devil exacerbates the problem and lies to me. Perhaps Satan tells me it is 100% true.

If I can't escape, don't have a choice, am trapped, then I will likely give up. Giving up means a life of zero progress. No productivity. No joy. Only pain. No fulfillment. No giving of love. No service. No personal revelation. No progress. And that is what he wants.

So my mom will say, "Don't forget, we sometimes don't give the devil enough credit."

Doesn't it make sense that the devil will play on our weaknesses. He will play on our vulnerabilities. And when we are mentally ill, we are super weak. We are the most vulnerable of all time.

If he can lie to us when we're down and tell us we are trapped, then he wins.

So I've tried to see the line of what is the illness responsible for, what is my agency responsible for (like am I trying with all the might I have), and what of this frustration and situation is the devil responsible for. I believe it helps. A lot.

Thanks Mom. She is probably the wisest person I know on this earth.

And that's not a lie.

good morning.

Today I went to yoga and I cried. I felt so much emotion, blank emotion, that I cried. And I loved it.

On the ride home in the car, this is the song that came on:

I came up out of the waterRaise my hands up to the FatherGave it all to Him that dayFelt a new wind kiss my faceWalked away, eyes wide openCould finally see where I was goin'It didn’t matter where I beenI’m not the same man I was then.
I got off track, I made mistakesBack slid my way into that place where souls get lostLines get crossedAnd the pain won’t go awayI hit my knees, now here I standThere I was, now here I amHere I amChanged
I got a lot of “hey I’m sorry's”The things I’ve done, man that was not meI wish that I could take it all backI just want to tell 'em thatTell 'em that
I got off track, I made mistakesBack slid my way into that place where souls get lostLines get crossedAnd the pain won’t go awayI hit my knees, now here I standThere I was, now here I amHere I am
I’ve changed for the betterMore smiles, less bitterI even started to forgive myself
I hit my knees, I’m here, I standThere I was, now here I amHere I am, here I amI'm changedYes, I amI’m changed for the better
Thank God, I'm changed.

Changed, by Rascal Flatts.



I hadn't heard this song before, so when I heard these words, "felt a new wind kiss my face, gave it all to Him, walked away, could finally see, it didn't matter when I've been I'm not the same man I was then, i got off track, i made mistakes, souls get lost, the pain won't go away, I hit my knees now here I stand, there I was now here I am. More smiles. Changed."

My application to the song is different than a repentant and born again man, but the words touched me deeply.

I feel I am starting life as a newly rebuilt person. I hope I don't fall apart again soon, or ever. But 'I felt a new wind kiss my face.' I felt in this trial I had to 'give it all to him'. I've now walked away and can finally see somewhat. I'm not the same person I was before this trial. I made mistakes in it. I felt my soul was lost. The pain wouldn't go away most of the time. I hit my knees now here I stand. THere I was now here I am. More smiles. Changed."

I was touched.

Then as I pulled into the neighborhood, I saw this:

home again, i hope.

I feel the Spirit again. That connection that has been gone, it is back. I again feel close to my Heavenly Father and the ability to receive spiritually enhancing insights into my understanding of the plan of salvation and the gospel.

Even as I say this, I am afraid and don't want this to go away. I never really know.

But for a week now, I have felt the Spirit the same way I used to. And it feels so good to be home.

Lately I have been remembering a saying from the WB show, Felicity, that I used to watch with my mom. Felicity's academic advisor, at the end of one show, in her wise and personally credible voice, remarked:

"Maybe what happened to you, actually happened for you."

Today in sacrament meeting, the speaker pointed out, "After a trial, after seeing how you grew through that trial, would you want to go back and be the person you were before the trial? If Heavenly Father said to you, 'I could have taken that trial away. I could go back and take that trial away but then you would have remained the same person you were before the trial, would you want me to take the trial away?'"

She remarked that looking back, we would never want to go back to who we were before the trial. We would want the growth that came, and we would accept that trial as having been worth the growth we received.

It's just so hard to see that when we're in the middle of the trial, cause we don't yet have proof we are going to "survive" it, and everything is going to be okay.

How many times do we wish we could go back and tell ourselves, while in the middle of the trial, "It will be okay. It will all work out. Have faith. Cut yourself some slack. Go easy on yourself. You just had a baby. Or you just lost your mom. Or you have never been in this territory before. Take it easy, don't expect perfection, and have faith. It will always workout." So can I convince myself to do that during the trials that come? Rather than looking back?

I do have a clinical problem with perfectionism. It is inescapable when my mind is in control. I break down. I cannot function. That is different than being too hard on yourself and I have journaled about that before. But still, I think I still make a good point, that we wish we would try harder to believe it will be okay and to take it easy.

Today in Sunday School, I was so touched by my Grandma Calder look-alike holding my little girl. She is the grandma I have adopted for my children here.

Then as the instructor bore his testimony, I pictured in my mind the spirits that must have been present. I felt I was standing on holy ground.

Again the feeling of Holy Ground was evident to me in third hour during Young Womens. Only five people were in the room today, for that moment, and perhaps the teacher could have felt disappointed more would not hear her lesson. But usually that is when the special things happen.

First we watched this. And the Spirit poured onto me like a brick wall.

I wish I was stronger and could say that I have not wondered "why" in my trials. Watching this girl, I imagined I would have been saying, "Why? Why can I not have a stomach that functions like all these thousands people I see walking circles around me throughout my day. Why can't I just be "normal"?"

So many times in this trial, as I've felt out of control, like I couldn't feel the Spirit, like I couldn't decide how I wanted to act or react, how I was going to respond emotionally, how I was going to remember or forget things. Like someone else was controlling me. I have wondered, "Why? Why can't I just be in control of my mind? Why can't I just be 'whole' like these other people I see in the world around me? Why?! I just want to have a normal brain!"

I'm not really sure the lesson in that, but I guess it is to say, we all have trials, huge trials, and we rejoiced and cheered in the pre mortal life when God presented His plan for us to come here and have trials. He knew this girl would have a paralyzed digestive system. He knew I would have x, y, and z. He knew you would have a, b, and c. And we cheered. We rejoiced. Because we wanted to return to Him different than when we left Him. And we look around rooms and we think, "Why does she not have any hard trials? Her hardest trial is if she doesn't curl her hair that day."

Why do we do that?

Everyone, every single person we see, is dealing with something or somethings, big things, big things for them. And I'm serious when I say, that someone not curling their hard that day might be a humungous trial for them. Maybe they weren't built with the ability to accept less than perfection, clinically, and chemically, and it destroys them.

Everyone has trials. Everyone has pain. Everyone has stuff.

After watching this Mormon Message video, the special moment came. A young women, one that might not always share, shared a personal experience of how she asked for help in a trial. Again, I felt there must have been many spirits with us today in that class and we were standing on holy ground.

And I felt I was back. Not that I always feel I'm on holy ground, for then I would never appreciate being there. But the opportunity and ability to feel there again that has been gone for so long. To receive insight and revelation and feel my soul is a sponge again. It felt so good to be home.

I found the doctor that is the answer to my prayers. The one.

It makes me feel a hush in my soul, and then emotional.

God has been leading me to him and now he is here.

Understanding Depression Videos

I am a visual learner…and this series of videos is absolutely amazing and exactly what I have been looking for. I hope it helps you too!

Even more so I am able to accept how depression is an illness just like heart disease, and see why, rather than a mood I can simply will away.

I am so thankful I found these and wanted to share!

http://depression.emedtv.com/depression-video/the-brain-and-its-chemicals-video.html

I have been doing so well lately. I still feel very sensitive to the magnet of the adversary that wants to pull me down. For example, if someone corrects me or I feel I have made a mistake or someone disapproves, I am far more sensitive than I used to be, I get more disappointed in myself and quickly feel intensely discouraged. It's like the lowest point I have been at wants me back. Wants me back so bad! And even tiny things open the door to its magnetic pull. In those magnetizing moments, I remember just how sensitive I am. I remember just how recent my trial is and that I am not out of the woods. That I must keep guard and take care of myself. I can't try to run too fast. I can't expect too much from myself quite yet. For that magnet is strong!

Clearly I do not journal my specific experiences and most personal pain on this online journal, as those are for my closed book journal just for me. But I hope others can benefit from these entries I put out there that are still very personal but are more about things I'm realizing about myself, lessons I'm learning. And I share them in hopes that others who might relate won't feel so alone and might benefit from hearing the personal thoughts of another. The thoughts on this blog are the ones I feel may be useful to others.

My mental health journal is a great blessing to me. One of those blessings is that I can look back and read what I felt and learned earlier, and remind myself of the wisdom I gained that day or the revelation I received earlier, and remember those answers from my Heavenly Father.

light.

I prayed for a mountain to climb.

"You are stronger than the tops of the mountains."

The tops of mountain face the wind and storms yet stand strong and immovable.

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. 

“The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? 

“Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”²D&C 122:7-9

Hold on thy way. "One foot in front of the other."

For their bounds are set, they cannot pass:

1 Corinthians 10:13 

13 There hath no temptation ^ataken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be^btempted above that ye are able; but will with the ^ctemptationalso make a way to ^descape, that ye may be able to ^ebear it.

I have felt that the very jaws of hell have been gaping after me. I have had those moments. The very jaws of hell.

“all things work together for good to them that love God". Romans 8:28

Elder Martino, We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.Now, I realize that it is much easier to look back when a trial is over and see what we have learned from our experience, but the challenge is to gain that eternal perspective while we are going through our tests. 

Thank you today to Elder Eyring, Elder Martino (a member of the seventy and also my dear friend and mission president), and the Book of Mormon where my reading today was 2 Nephi 2 about opposition in all things.

 22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end. 

 24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who ^aknoweth all things.

Moses 1:39

39 For behold, this is my ^awork and my ^bglory—to bring to pass the ^cimmortality and ^deternal ^elife of man.

Do I want to return to my Heavenly Father just the way I left Him?

No.

mountains.

I haven't wanted to blog my journal lately. Just feel too…I don't know. I just haven't wanted to put things down. It made it too real.

It's been hard because I feel a desire and almost social consideration to tell people how I'm doing since I've burdened them with my trial that I haven't been doing well. That when I'm doing well I feel I should tell people too. But then I say I'm doing well, and five minutes later things take a turn. And the discouragement makes it worse.

In general, I am doing better. The sun is coming out. I had almost two weeks of good days, then took a turn down. Like I said, the discouragement that I thought I was getting "better" made the downturn twice as bad as it really was.

Discouragement is a tool of the devil. Not from God. So I have to try hard to remember that.

Elder Eyring:
Many of you are now passing through physical, mental, and emotional trials that could cause you to cry out, “When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?”

If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble.

That curing does not come automatically through the passage of time, but it does take time. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving God and others persistently with full heart and soul that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable spiritual strength.

Now, I wish to encourage those who are in the midst of hard trials, who feel their faith may be fading under the onslaught of troubles.

That particle of faith most precious and which you should protect and use to whatever extent you can is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. 

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing.

Interesting. I said a prayer after this talk was given in April 2012. A prayer about mountains.

It has been hard for me to trust myself. I'll receive what I think is revelation about a direction to take, then I find myself in that direction and feel it's not working out, so I surrender, turn around, and doubt myself and my ability to receive revelation. I wonder how I can be expected to know what is revelation and what is not when my mind is so clouded and unclear. I wonder how I can possibly listen to and have confidence that what I am feeling is indeed from God when I feel so disoriented and unable to relate to my own self.

No one would have ever thought that Candice Andrus would have thoughts of worthlessness, yet there I was. "I don't know why I'm living. I don't know who I am. I'm ruining everybody's life. I just want to go away and stop ruining everybody's life."

Depression is real. It's not child's play. It's not something one can flip a switch on and off about. How I wish it was. It feels so strange to feel completely out of control, not knowing where Candice is, if she'll ever come back. It feels so strange to have zero joy in life when just six months ago and for most of the first thirty years of my life, I found joy. Loss of interest. Loss of purpose.

Loss of purpose has been probably my biggest load to bear most recently. As I have been sick and unable to help others, unable to care for my own kids and husband, even myself, feeling like a burden to everybody else and not a blessing in any way, just a piece of the universe that sucks the life out of everything she touches…

What is the purpose of life? Why am I here? I don't like this!

Six months ago you would have heard me saying, multiple times a week, "I love life! Life is so wonderful!"

The thing is, it has nothing to do with pain. I had pain then, I have pain now. Everybody has pain. So it doesn't have to do with the presence of trials or the absence of them. 

But this trial, it has controlled my mind.

It is so hard for me to understand why there must be opposition in all things, even the sanity and control of one's mind, when life is a test. But I believe in it. I have faith in it. I can at least see that joy in control of one's mind is available when one knows the pain of not having control.

When I had postpartum depression, the biggest blessing for which I thanked my Heavenly Father through that trial, was the ability to gain compassion. I understood depression for the first time. I understood sitting on a living room floor, knowing I should get up and go outside and take a walk or do something, and feeling it was impossible for me to do one thing. I had no choice. I had to keep sitting there.

Mental trials overpower physical will. Physical trials effect mental capacity.

So compassion. I knew I needed a good dose of that for I was lacking. And I received some through the tender mercy of learning through that trial and I was so grateful for learning compassion that it would bring tears to my eyes.

What things am I gaining now that I will one day say, "great blessings...come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost."  Cause I already know that. I already know that is true. I've seen it more than once in my life. So I really look forward to that day.

Today as I was driving and the sun was shining, I felt hope again. Hope that one day sooner or later I would be looking back on this and not in it.

It's tricky to draw the line between what is my responsibility and what is the devil's responsibility in this. Sometimes I wonder, "Did I bring this on myself? Am I not putting enough effort into my healing? Am I prolonging because I haven't been doing this or that or I have been doing this or that? How is sin involved? Is sin prolonging this or making it harder?" Some of that is true. Some is my responsibility. But I know the devil is going to try to exacerbate these lies so that my progress is hindered. That's a hard line to try.

I have always hated the line, "Just one foot in front of the other." It's just so doomsday. But that is actually how I am feeling. I don't know what will be in a month or a year, but I must keep going. I must go on. I don't know when I'll be back and what I'll look like when I am back, but for today, I must keep going. One foot in front of the other.

Sincere prayer, even when I can't feel Him, first. Sincere scripture study, even if I can't feel Him, do it anyway, and do it first.

Then service. The answer to finding my purpose in life again…is service. "For He that loseth His life for my sake, shall find it. (Matt 5:26)" How many times have I cried out, "Where am I? Where am I?" I will find myself, whomever that self will be, that new and fortified and better version of me, with purpose, as I serve others.

Please don't misunderstand this for me saying that depression can be cured through serving others. For clinical depression cannot. And it is a large mistake and myth for people to think that. That was never taught. But for someone who has lost her purpose, and someone that is trying to find it again, my personal revelation has been that I will find it again as I serve.

I am thankful for the flashlight. For the paintbrush. For the one stroke after another, even if I don't know what I am creating.