It's been hard because I feel a desire and almost social consideration to tell people how I'm doing since I've burdened them with my trial that I haven't been doing well. That when I'm doing well I feel I should tell people too. But then I say I'm doing well, and five minutes later things take a turn. And the discouragement makes it worse.
In general, I am doing better. The sun is coming out. I had almost two weeks of good days, then took a turn down. Like I said, the discouragement that I thought I was getting "better" made the downturn twice as bad as it really was.
Discouragement is a tool of the devil. Not from God. So I have to try hard to remember that.
Elder Eyring:
Many of you are now passing through physical, mental, and emotional trials that could cause you to cry out, “When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?”
If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble.
That curing does not come automatically through the passage of time, but it does take time. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving God and others persistently with full heart and soul that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable spiritual strength.
Now, I wish to encourage those who are in the midst of hard trials, who feel their faith may be fading under the onslaught of troubles.
That particle of faith most precious and which you should protect and use to whatever extent you can is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing.
Interesting. I said a prayer after this talk was given in April 2012. A prayer about mountains.
It has been hard for me to trust myself. I'll receive what I think is revelation about a direction to take, then I find myself in that direction and feel it's not working out, so I surrender, turn around, and doubt myself and my ability to receive revelation. I wonder how I can be expected to know what is revelation and what is not when my mind is so clouded and unclear. I wonder how I can possibly listen to and have confidence that what I am feeling is indeed from God when I feel so disoriented and unable to relate to my own self.
No one would have ever thought that Candice Andrus would have thoughts of worthlessness, yet there I was. "I don't know why I'm living. I don't know who I am. I'm ruining everybody's life. I just want to go away and stop ruining everybody's life."
Depression is real. It's not child's play. It's not something one can flip a switch on and off about. How I wish it was. It feels so strange to feel completely out of control, not knowing where Candice is, if she'll ever come back. It feels so strange to have zero joy in life when just six months ago and for most of the first thirty years of my life, I found joy. Loss of interest. Loss of purpose.
Loss of purpose has been probably my biggest load to bear most recently. As I have been sick and unable to help others, unable to care for my own kids and husband, even myself, feeling like a burden to everybody else and not a blessing in any way, just a piece of the universe that sucks the life out of everything she touches…
What is the purpose of life? Why am I here? I don't like this!
Six months ago you would have heard me saying, multiple times a week, "I love life! Life is so wonderful!"
The thing is, it has nothing to do with pain. I had pain then, I have pain now. Everybody has pain. So it doesn't have to do with the presence of trials or the absence of them.
But this trial, it has controlled my mind.
It is so hard for me to understand why there must be opposition in all things, even the sanity and control of one's mind, when life is a test. But I believe in it. I have faith in it. I can at least see that joy in control of one's mind is available when one knows the pain of not having control.
When I had postpartum depression, the biggest blessing for which I thanked my Heavenly Father through that trial, was the ability to gain compassion. I understood depression for the first time. I understood sitting on a living room floor, knowing I should get up and go outside and take a walk or do something, and feeling it was impossible for me to do one thing. I had no choice. I had to keep sitting there.
Mental trials overpower physical will. Physical trials effect mental capacity.
So compassion. I knew I needed a good dose of that for I was lacking. And I received some through the tender mercy of learning through that trial and I was so grateful for learning compassion that it would bring tears to my eyes.
What things am I gaining now that I will one day say, "great blessings...come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost." Cause I already know that. I already know that is true. I've seen it more than once in my life. So I really look forward to that day.
Today as I was driving and the sun was shining, I felt hope again. Hope that one day sooner or later I would be looking back on this and not in it.
It's tricky to draw the line between what is my responsibility and what is the devil's responsibility in this. Sometimes I wonder, "Did I bring this on myself? Am I not putting enough effort into my healing? Am I prolonging because I haven't been doing this or that or I have been doing this or that? How is sin involved? Is sin prolonging this or making it harder?" Some of that is true. Some is my responsibility. But I know the devil is going to try to exacerbate these lies so that my progress is hindered. That's a hard line to try.
I have always hated the line, "Just one foot in front of the other." It's just so doomsday. But that is actually how I am feeling. I don't know what will be in a month or a year, but I must keep going. I must go on. I don't know when I'll be back and what I'll look like when I am back, but for today, I must keep going. One foot in front of the other.
Sincere prayer, even when I can't feel Him, first. Sincere scripture study, even if I can't feel Him, do it anyway, and do it first.
Then service. The answer to finding my purpose in life again…is service. "For He that loseth His life for my sake, shall find it. (Matt 5:26)" How many times have I cried out, "Where am I? Where am I?" I will find myself, whomever that self will be, that new and fortified and better version of me, with purpose, as I serve others.
Please don't misunderstand this for me saying that depression can be cured through serving others. For clinical depression cannot. And it is a large mistake and myth for people to think that. That was never taught. But for someone who has lost her purpose, and someone that is trying to find it again, my personal revelation has been that I will find it again as I serve.
