No. This can't be happening.
I feel like I'm in a dream or some sub-reality. My kids were just taken away from me.
My girl. My girl that wakes up and comes out of her room with a princess on. My girl that sings around the house. My girl that says, "I want to hold you."
My boy that is so smart. My independent boy that helps me and takes care of his sisters and loves them and draws and does his chores by himself and his earning cards.
And the kids that I ignore. The kids that I just want to go back to bed. The kids I just want to get rid of.
Was I not built for motherhood?
I adore being a mother countless times more than anything I can even imagine. It fulfills me. I don't know who I am without it. I have to have it. I thrive on meeting their needs. yet I don't want to meet their needs. I just want to get rid of their needs and only enjoy them. I'm just not capable of caring for them.
How can this be? How can I not be capable?
I feel like they were ripped away from me.
The opposite is actually true. I am thankful I am able to recognize that I am incapable of caring for them and myself. I have sought help and reached out. And they are in the second best place in the world, second only to my arms. But my arms aren't capable of them right now. They are with their Nana and Papa and cousins and aunts and uncles. My husband's family. They're dream is to be with their cousins and play with them. They have the best grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles. So if there is any place in this world I would want them to be. The place where they can be the happiest. The safest place. The funnest place. The place where I know they are happy, safe, having fun, and want to be there, and where they don't feel kicked out, that is the place.
Yet I wasn't capable of taking care of them. I know that the best place for them, here with me, is actually not the best place for them right now.
How can that be okay to be feeling as a mother? To want them. To love them. To have nothing dearer to you in this life. Yet to know that you can't have them, cause you need to heal and get a handle on things.
Ow. It hurts really badly.
It is not possible to explain what it feels like to know that the best place for my children is away from me.
But I love them. And I love them enough to try to make myself the best place for them again.
So I have to take this seriously. I have to seriously get to work to fix me.
How am I suppose to do that quickly? How am I suppose to do that when I'm in so much pain? If I'm hurting so badly, how am I suppose to be able to concentrate to heal?
