I don't really know what to say in my prayers right now. It's like my brain can't produce things to ask for; I'm so desperate.
This morning I was able to compose one thought to pray to my Heavenly Father, and that was to thank Him for not taking away my Ainsley too. I need to focus on me. Just me. Because in turn that is focusing on how I can serve my family again. But it feels so selfish. I'm such a selfish friend right now. Not smiling, not checking in, not thinking of them and wanting to help. Just focused on me. And service is helpful when depressed. But maybe not right now, when I'm at the bottom.
But that need I have to nurture and serve…I at least have my Ainsley. I take care of her and feel the blessing of being a blessing to someone else. Of being needed. I am fulfilling my need to be needed. And I'm serving. And I hope I can heal while I try to do that too.
It is interesting to find a balance. I need to focus on me, but it's helpful to serve. So I have my baby.
I hope that service doesn't interfere with my healing, cause I want to speed this up. I just want to speed this up and get my kids back.
But I probably can't rush this or it won't work. Will my desire to speed this up get in the way of me doing what I actually need to do, really need to do, to get some traction in my healing and have it be permanent? A foundation to build on and not lose?
