As I read the Book of Mormon this morning, and again, as in times before, the words took on completely new and tailored-for-me meaning to my present trial, I was brought to tears over and over again. My scripture study is more deeply felt during this trial. And how can I not be grateful for that.
I guess it really does take deeper trials to feel God's love more, to grateful more. I wish it didn't, but I am still a frail human. And one day it won't.
As the tears stained the top of my chest and dropped off my face, my hands could no longer absorb all that was flowing. No kleenex in sight so I reached down to the pile on the side of my bed.
When my mental health goes downhill, a sure sign that a breakdown is imminent is the growing pile on the side of my bed. Things are mostly in their place when I'm doing well. Not completely. But mostly, as I really like things in their place. It's just how I am. But when I am starting to lose the ability to function, when my mental health is getting in the way of living, the piles start to grow.
I guess this is a way I can know it's time to stop, think, take a break, take care of myself.
I guess in a way this is a sign. A sign from Heavenly Father that I'm gonna have to take care of myself or soon I won't be able to care for my family again.
So I really should pay attention to the piles from here on out. When I see a pile, I need to schedule in my break.
It hurts a lot when I can't care for my family.
I wonder, did God really send me to earth with an inability to care for the children He gave me? But I don't even finish that sentence in my mind, cause I know He didn't. I know these children are mine. They are supposed to be mine. And that because of that He has sent me to earth with all the tools necessary to care for them. Not meaning I won't have trials. Specifically, not meaning I won't struggle mentally to the point I won't be able to care for them and I'll have to dig down deep, sacrifice, humble myself, and get the tools I need to care for them again. But yes meaning that He DID send me to earth with the tools. Trials yes, but ALSO the tools to get through those trials.
Cause these kids are mine. They were always meant to be mine. And I CAN care for them.
So there is the pile. The sign that a breakdown was coming. And here I am, in the middle of it.
No kleenex in sight. So what will catch these falling tears? Cause they're falling fast.
So I wipe my tears with the dirty burp cloth hidden deep within the pile.
