I woke up with this sick feeling. Wow. Did I really do that? I just don't know anymore.
I felt so ready to shout this struggle from the rooftops. To get a little sympathy. To have someone pity and feel bad for me. So selfish.
Then I was ready.
And I did it. I ripped it off like a bandaid. I told the world, with a tiny bit of forcing myself so that I wouldn't change my mind.
Now it's back to a little bit of normal life. Tim's at work, I'm home with the baby trying to take it easy, take it slow, NOT jump right back into life so that I don't relapse. And I just don't know!
People have changed the way they think of me now! They have decided they don't need to think my life is perfect anymore! I'm not sure I like that!
Why do I want so much for people to envy me and think my life is perfect? WHY?!
Man, I've been trying to work on pride for so long. Especially during the mission. And every sin does go back to pride, like President Benson says. It always does. I wish it didn't. But there is the root. And I've been praying for so long.
But it wasn't easy. It wasn't like I felt super awesome about telling people that my life had pain. It wasn't that it was easy. Yes, I had to be brave.
But then I think, Heavenly Father gave me the gift of confidence. And if I can use that confidence to be brave in hopes that perhaps I could help one of His children realize that comparing ourselves to others and thinking they're perfect is not okay, then I would do it. I would be brave. Because nothing, nothing, to me feels better than being used as an instrument in His hands.
But I'm back again. I'm back to my weak self. I'm back to the person that wants others to envy my "perfect life without trials". Even though I don't know if anybody thought that, I just didn't want them to.
But now I do again.
How easily the natural man chases after us and shoves us until we either give in or beat it back ourselves.
Fear God, not man. In the mission field, I remember. I remember being on the fourth floor of our simple apartment in Valera. Surrounded by empty suitcases and closets of years of old clothes left behind. It was just after sunrise. The ironing board was up, no carpet, no comfort, and I had just done my scripture study. There I was, literally falling to my knees in a solitary room, being alone and away from my companion for just 1/1000,000,000th of my mission, and crying and weeping and sobbing and having no words. I had realized, while taking so many deep looks into my soul, that I really did not have a self esteem. Not at all!
But that didn't make sense! So many people, if you would say what words would describe me, would say, "Confident…" And I am! It's such a paradox! I am confident.
Is that because I was born with an assurance of who I am, why I'm here, what my potential is, and Heavenly Father's love for me?
So I am confident, but here I was, realizing and hurting because I don't have any self-esteem.
I guess I knew what God thought of me. So I was confident in that. But when it came to what man thought of me, I got nothing. Nothing. Or what I did have just wasn't enough. It left me wanting.
And woah. Isn't that true? That if you base your self-esteem on what man thinks of you, it will never last. You will always be found wanting.
It's kind of like finally getting your Lexus then wanting a Bentley. The Lexus you wanted and wished for and worked for for the last thirty years only filled your desires for about two hours, then you felt you needed even better and even faster. Then it left you wanting.
"Someone out there will always be worse off and better off than you. Always."
So I had told the whole world that, sorry, in case you held me on a pedestal, just stop. Stop comparing yourself to me cause I'm just a "joe". I know that's not accurate, but let me write lazy for a minute.
And then I was scared. I got scared.
I was brave. But now I'm scared.
What's gonna change? What's gonna change in my life socially?
The two worlds in my mind:
A. People will not envy me. People will not think I'm perfect. People know that I'm normal with trials too. People will not be jealous if they ever were.
B. People will love me more because now instead of placing me on a different plane than them, they can admire my gifts, admire their own gifts, stop comparing themselves to me and then connect through our vulnerability. People will not think I'm perfect and that will make me more relatable. People will know that I'm normal with trials too, they will still see my gifts, and they will love me more for being willing to be brave. People will not be jealous of me.
Hey! People will not be jealous of me! That's exactly what I need! That's exactly what I've been praying for! Take away the reward of pride and maybe I will rid myself of pride.
So why am I fighting it.
Because the devil is real.
Everything I've prayed for, for God to strip me a little more of pride everyday, might now actually happen as I leap into this abyss of the unknown and see what happens to my world when I don't have people to be jealous of me anymore. Just people to connect with. I'm gonna force myself to see what happens.
And I'm gonna live a more full and beautiful life. I'm going to find joy beyond my present comprehension.
I'm going to be vulnerable. I am vulnerable now.
The shield has been lowered.
But I'm still scared. Like kind of really scared.
