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So I've been thinking lots about the law of compensation. Relying on it in these last few weeks. I haven't had postpartum depression with this baby, and haven't experienced the dark and awful guilt-enducing feelings I experienced with my second child, but I have felt like I've missed out on the last five months of life.
I know life is about trials, but the last five months of my normal, mothering, giving attention to friends, neighbors, my ward, my family, and especially my husband and kids. I feel I have been gone for five months and I've turned around and 5/8ths of Ainsley's life have gone. And I missed it. I wasn't here. The real me was floating around somewhere up in the atmosphere. And I missed it.
And it doesn't seem fair. And I have always liked things to be fair. I'm an oldest child ya know.
And I'll never get those five months back.
Yes I know. The things I'll gain because of those five months are worth infinitely more than having my "normal" and less-spiritual-gift-enhancing-and-developing-trial five months. I know that already it.
But I'm still human.
So here I am like, ugh, this isn't fair, those five months, gone.
Then the immediate next thought, the law of compensation.
So I've been thinking about the law of compensation. And about some possibilities Heavenly Father might give me as a compensation for this hard time. And I've been thinking about how those five physical months of my girls' lives will never happen again.
And I know I'll be able, if I'm worthy, to have infinite numbers of children for the rest of eternity.
Then I thought, "But things will be different. I may be having more solely-spirit children in that day. And I won't perhaps have the physical children that I need to hold, console, give medicine, feed, rock. And I will have still missed out on that time with my physical children…"
Then I think, "Hmmmm…It's so fulfilling as a mother to nurture and meet the needs of our children. And in that day, when I have infinite numbers of spirit children, perhaps I won't be physically nurturing them. I will be spiritually nurturing. And I will have missed out."
Wait. Spiritual nurturing. Yes I feel good when I nurse my baby, change her, dress her, clean her up and make her smell good. Yes I feel good when I do Hadley's hair, take Trent to gymnastics, and cuddle with them to a movie. I love to physically rock my Ainsley and read all of them stories and console them when they cry. But seriously, I don't love to cook dinner and brush their teeth. I love it in the way that I love them. But I don't actually love, love, love those acts. But there is still a sense of fulfillment to them. There is still joy in them.
But what do I love, love, love? I love to teach my children. I love to tell my son, Trent, that that was the Spirit that spoke to his heart when he knew he could say a special prayer when he was locked in the garage by himself. I love to teach Him that that was Heavenly Father that answered Hhs prayers and sent his Dad to the garage and found him there. I love to tell my Hadley how smart she is and how good of a mama she is. I love to bear my testimony to my newborn as I listen to the voices of the Apostles in general conference talks. As my eyes well up with tears because the church is so true and I have that church for them! I, as their mother, have that church to offer and teach them and testify of to them. "It's true, my son. It's true. Your mama knows this man talks to God."
I love to spiritually nurture. Spiritual nurture is infinitely joyous and fulfilling to me. Even several times more joyous than the joys of physical nurture!
Spiritually nurturing, if that is what I will be compensated with for the time I was not able to physically nurture, well wow. Spiritually nurturing. I love spiritually nurturing my children.
Is that one way the law of compensation might work in my life in regards to this trial? That in the eternities, when I am bearing infinite numbers of spiritual children, I will be given the gift of the opportunity to never stop spiritual nurturing and teaching them? How joyous is that? How unspeakable joyous is that.
What are the other ways the law of compensation may work in other areas of struggle and trial in my life? If His plan is that much more joyous than anything I might think I'm missing out on, then stop. Just stop. Never, never doubt his plan.
And what are the other ways that the law of compensation might work in behalf of those I love and for whom I feel their life has seemed "unfair"?
Wow. And wow again.
Sacrifice? No. Not really a sacrifice. Not really a sacrifice.
He's got a much bigger plan for us. His plan, His plan of happiness, is worth infinitely more than any plan we could ever, ever come up with for ourselves.
His plan of happiness is worth infinitely more.
He loves us. He loves us. He loves us infinitely.
I'll leave you with a few words from Elder Henry B. Eyring that have been on my mind since my hospital stay and on my mind as I have wondered how long this trial will go and what God's timing is:
“For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be.”5
We remove the pavilion [that keeps us from God] when we feel and pray, “Thy will be done” and “in Thine own time.” His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best.
His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best.
He loves us.
He loves us.
